"Sorry, but this is the ultimate."

EDITOR'S NOTE: The UrlyBird Times was grieved to learn that Irene de Mandible was reported as missing after our interview with her on March 17th. We contacted the family to express our concern. They graciously consented to the following interview.

The cover image is a portrait by Irene of Pookah. Says Jeff Cooper, Irene's husband, of the portrait, "Irene painted it without even having to look at Pookah, that's how much of an artist she is." Says Pookah, of the portrait, "It's the size of a portrait stamp. Why? Irene did it looking in a mirror so I consider it a portrait of Irene rather than of me, I don't care if she does say it's of me. We're alike but we're not that much alike. She says I'm the dark one, but I'm actually more amusing and innocent of spirit than she is."

POOKAH: Are you there? Hello?

URLYBIRD: Yes, hello Pookah! A friend was trying to ICQ me. I had to let her know I was busy and I'd get back to her in a little while.

POOKAH: That's all right. Do what you need to do.

URLYBIRD: I hardly know how to begin except that I want to thank you for accepting our request for an interview during what I know is a terribly difficult time for you and your family. We were dismayed to learn that it was directly after our March 17th interview with her, that your twin sister and internet personality, Irene de Mandible, was discovered to be missing.

POOKAH: Yes, from what we can gather, you were the last to speak with her.

URLYBIRD: And we feel so badly about it. We also have Irene's husband, Jeff Cooper, on ICQ with us.

POOKAH: Yes.

URLYBIRD: Hello, Jeff! We know how distraught you must be over the disappearance of Irene, how difficult things must be for you right now, so we really appreciate your consenting to an interview. Jeff. Hello, Jeff? Can you see me typing?

POOKAH: Jeff?

Jeff: YOUR FONTS ARE TOO SMALL CAN YOU MAKE YOUR FONTS BIGGER

URLYBIRD: Jeff, I'm somewhat of a novice at this ICQ thing myself, but I think if I change my chat font it will only change in my window. I've had complaints about this before and have had little luck with controlling font sizes. Sometimes they seem to even change for no reason. Try adjusting the font size on your tool bar.

JEFF: YOUR FONTS ARE TOO SMALL PLEASE MAKE THEM BIGGER IM HAVING A HARD TIME READING

URLYBIRD: Alright, I've changed to a 14 point.

JEFF: CHANGE YOUR FONT PLEASE MAKE IT BIGGER.

URLYBIRD: I didn't think it would make any difference.

JEFF: YOUR FONT IS SMALLER NOW PLEASE MAKE IT BIGGER NOT SMALLER

URLYBIRD: Pookah, I feel this is a very sensitive thing to bring up, but, considering that Irene lives with her husband, we were wondering how it was that you came to notice first that Irene was missing. No one had spoken with her since the 17th, and you didn't realize she was gone until--when was it?

POOKAH: The 24th. At first I thought no one had spoken with her since the 16th, since she last posted to the Wymsey Parish Notice Board. It was only later that I discovered you had interviewed her on the 17th.

URLYBIRD: If no one has seen or spoken with her since the 17th, how can you be sure that she has been missing since the 17th?

POOKAH: Come again?

URLYBIRD: What I said was if no one has seen or spoken with Irene since the 17th, how can you be sure that she has been missing since the 17th?

POOKAH: Because no one had spoken to her or seen her.

URLYBIRD: Not even Jeff, Irene's husband? I hate to bring this up, as I was saying, it's a terribly delicate subject...but one has to wonder how it was Jeff didn't notice for a week that Irene was gone.

JEFF: OH THATS BETTER I CAN READ JUST FINE NOW LEAVE YOUR FONT JUST LIKE THAT

POOKAH: Well, Jeff was out of town the 14th through the 20th...

JEFF: ITS A REGULAR MYSTERY URLYBIRD IM REMINDED OF THAT FILM BLOW UP THOUGH THE SITUATION HERE ISNT THE SAME JUST THE MYSTERY OF IT ALL AND THE MIMES YOU KNOW THE MIMES GET MIXED UP IN IT I SAW VANESSA REDGRAVE RECENTLY IN LULU SOMETHING ON OR JUMP FROM THE BRIDGE HARVEY KEITEL WAS GOOD AS USUAL GLAD HE DIDNT DISROBE THIS TIME WHICH I APPRECIATED SPEAKING OF DISROBING I HEAR KATHLEEN TURNER DROPS HER TOWEL IN THE GRADUATE ON YOUR LONDON STAGE HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT

URLYBIRD: We're not located in London.

JEFF: ONE DOESNT NEED TO HAVE AN OPINION ABOUT EVERYTHING BACK TO IRENE NO I DIDNT NOTICE SHE WAS GONE UNTIL THE @$TH WHEN POOKAH POINTED IT OUT TO ME

URLYBIRD: Since no one noticed she had disappeared until the 24th, how do we know she didn't disappear on the 23rd?

JEFF: OH IT WAS AROUND THE !&TH THAT SHE DISAPPEARED ALL RIGHT WE WERE ABLE TO PUT THAT MUCH TOGETHER THROUGH TRACING WHERE SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN BETWEEN THE !&TH AND THE @$TH BUT WHERE SHE WASNT

URLYBIRD: Jeff, could you please not type all in caps.

JEFF: WHATS THAT

URLYBIRD: When you type all in caps it's called yelling.

JEFF: NO THATS RIGHT IRENE WASNT WHERE SHE COULD HAVE BEEN HAD SHE BEEN WHERE SHE SUPPOSEDLY SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE !&TH THROUGH THE @$TH THAT IS IF YOU TAKE APPOINTMENTS SERIOUSLY BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE DONT AND NEVER KEEP THEM BUT IRENE TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE HAS ALWAYS BEEN VERY GOOD ABOUT KEEPING APPOINTMENTS SHE HAD ONE WITH THE PODIATRIST ON THE !*TH AND SHE DIDNT SHOW TO GET HER FEET DIPPED IN MUD AGAIN FOR HER PROSTHETICS SHE HAS TO WEAR PROSTHETICS SINCE THE ARMED ROBBERY ON MARTA THE TRAIN SYSTEM HERE WHEN THE ROBBER STOMPED ON HER BIG TOE OF HER LEFT FOOT

POOKAH: Her right foot.

JEFF: NO IT WAS HER LEFT FOOT POOKAH YOU ALWAYS GET THESE THINGS MIXED UP HE DIDNT MEAN TO DO IT IT WAS AN ACCIDENT BUT NEVERTHELESS IT HAPPENED AND SHE HAS HAD TO WEAR PROSTHETICS EVER SINCE

POOKAH: Jeff, it was her right foot. I know because I'm wearing Irene's boots right now.

JEFF: NO POOKAH DONT ARGUE WITH ME ABOUT THIS I DONT KNOW WHY YOU WANT TO ARGUE WITH ME ALL THE TIME WHEN YOU KNOW I WAS THE CLOSEST TO IRENE AND SHOULD KNOW

POOKAH: Jeff, I know it upsets you, but twins have a special bond you can't possibly comprehend...

URLYBIRD: I've heard this about twins.

JEFF: WELL POOKAH IF YOURE SO DAMN CLOSE TO IRENE YOU TELL ME WHY WERE SPENDING ALL THIS MONEY ON AN INDIAN

POOKAH: American Indian...

JEFF: TRACKER WAY OUT IN NEBRASKA I DIDNT EVEN KNOW IRENE WAS PART CHOCKTAUGH

POOKAH: Choctaw.

JEFF: UNTIL YOU SAID NOW WE ARE GOING TO HIRE A NATIVE AMERICAN TRACKER I DONT KNOW HOW THATS SUPPOSED TO BE ANY HELP CONSIDERING SHE HAS ABOUT AS MUCH NATIVE AMERICAN IN HER AS WELL YOU COULD SPLICE HER DNA UP A THOUSAND WAYS AND ALL YOURE GOING TO FIND

URLYBIRD: Jeff, the police have cleared you of any suspicion, I understand.

POOKAH: Of course. There are really no suspects.

JEFF: EXCUSE ME MY PHONES RINGING

POOKAH: We have hired an American Indian tracker, you're right.

URLYBIRD: The Wymsey Chronicle broke this bit of news.

POOKAH: Yes. His name is John Ozburne. Since the detectives and psychics were all coming up cold, to tell the truth, well, it's not going to hurt anything, is it?

URLYBIRD: John Ozburne...do you have a number where I could reach him?

JEFF: HELLO? YES? I HAVE JOHN OZBOURNE ON THE PHONE RIGHT NOW

POOKAH: Really, does he have any news? Jeff, please, does John have any news?

JEFF: NO I DONT THINK SO NOTHING YET DO YOU JOHN

POOKAH: I don't know what I'm going to do.

URLYBIRD: Jeff, do you think I could interview John right now, while you have him on the phone? Ask him for me how he intends to pursue his tracking of Irene. Will he use dogs, hawks, falcons...physical or spiritual? What is his technique or method, and does it vary from case to case? Will you do that for me?

POOKAH: Irene and I, we're not much alike. At least I don't think we are. But we've always had this psychic bond. This metaphysical sympathy, a link connecting us.

JEFF: IF THEYRE NOT TRAINED WELL SHE HAS TO KEEP THE DOGS ON A CHAIN WHEN SHES PAINTING THEM SHES A GREAT CANINE PORTRAIT ARTIST ONE OF THE BEST THERE IS SHES TRIED PAINTING CANINE PORTRAITS USING PHOTOS BUT ITS NOT THE SAME I PAINT TOO SO I UNDERSTAND BUT MY SPECIALTY IS PAINTING GUITARS HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE GIBSON #$% SERIES AQUA AUTOBODY PAINT #@$% WITH THE SUNBURST FINISH AND ALLIGATOR CRAWLING UP BESIDE THE BETTY PAGE TYPE BEACH BEAUTY SAYING WISH YOU WERE HERE HAVING A GREAT TIME I DID THAT THEY ARE NOW ALL SNAPPED UP ON THE JAPANESE COLLECTORS MARKET

URLYBIRD: Jeff, let's get back to your guitars later--what does John Ozbourne...Ozborn have to say?

JEFF:I ALSO DID THE HOHNER D6 CLAVINETTE VANISHING POINT ON A WOOD FINISH VERY DIFFICULT TO GET THE FEELING OF THAT CAR HEADING TOWARDS ITS LAST HORIZON ON A WOOD FINISH AND THEY TOO ARE VERY VALUABLE NOW SNAPPPED UP ON THE JAPANESE COLLECTORS MARKET

URLYBIRD: Yes, Jeff, I know they must be beautiful but what did Jeff Ozbourne...John Ozborn have to say about Irene?

JEFF: OH HE WAS JUST CALLING TO TELL US OUR CHECK HAD BOUNCED HELL START TRACKING IRENE AFTER WE CUT ANOTHER CHECK THAT CLEARS HE JUST WANTED US TO UNDERSTAND HE HAD TO HAVE FIFTY PERCENT UP FRONT THAT HE WASNT TRYING TO JERK US AROUND OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT WHICH I UNDERSTAND

POOKAH: The check bounced??? The check bounced?????!!!!! How much money did I lend you and Irene last month? What did you do with it all already?!!!

JEFF: WELL I DONT KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU POOKAH ALL I CAN SAY IS THAT THE LAST ITEM LISTED IN THE CHECKBOOK WAS WRITTEN ON THE !&TH AND HAS TO DO WITH SOMETHING ABOUT THIS BUNCH OF OXFORD DICTIONARIES THEY MUST BE THE ONES THAT ARRIVED YESTERDAY

POOKAH: I've got to go now. Sorry but this is the ultimate.

URLYBIRD: Pookah? Pookah, wait. Pookah?

JEFF: I DONT KNOW HOW MANY DICTIONARIES SOMEONE NEEDS BUT THERE ARE A LOT OF THEM HERE YOUVE GOT TO UNDERSTAND THIS HAS BEEN VERY HARD ON ME AND IM NOT DOING VERY WELL ITS BEYOND ME TO DEAL WITH ANY OF THIS INCLUDING ALL THESE DICTIONARIES I JUST TOLD THEM TO PUT THEM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR

URLYBIRD: Jeff, I think we're done for now.

JEFF: IRENE HAS TALKED A LOT ABOUT WANTING AN OXFORD DICTIONARY I GUESS SHE GOT SO MANY BECAUSE THEY WERE ON SPECIAL

URLYBIRD: Jeff, I think we're done.

JEFF: IRENE DOES THE ACCOUNTING SHE WOULD KNOW IF WE HAD THE MONEY FOR THESE OR NOT BUT I DONT KNOW WHY SHE WOULD WANT SO MANY HOW MANY DICTIONARIES CAN YOU USE IN A LIFETIME

URLYBIRD: Jeff, I'm going to ask if you have a last comment and then sign off.

JEFF: OK YEAH WELL IRENE USED TO SAY THIS THAT POOKAH WOULD THROW IT UP IN OUR FACES ONE DAY THAT WE BORROWED MONEY FROM HER SHE TOLD POOKAH IF SHE DIDNT HAVE IT TO LEND DONT DO IT BUT POOKAH NEVER LISTENS