for SEVEN CHAKRA SALAD
(copyright © 1994 - Maharashtha Stewart)
- Seven Chakras
- 3/4 cup Kundalini pasta
- 1 large vibrating egg
- 2 cups melted ghee
- 3 bags
- 4 papparazzi sticks
- 5 golden rings
- 6 cups
- 7 large bags of basmati rice
- 7 arms of
- 7 cups of blue dye (optional)
- 7 cans of (aged) spinach
- your noodle
Sit comfortably in Lotus position and meditate. Inhale. Think to
yourself "I am breathing in." Hold for a moment. No,
don't exhale yet. No, not yet. Nope. Sorry. Keep holding it. Come
on, you wuss. Hold it in. Don't exhale. Keep it in there. Geez,
just imagine if you were underwater and someone had chained your
ankle to a millstone and you had to use your fingernails to cut
your leg off below the knee to escape from the chains before the
millstone pulled you to certain death by drowning. Now, this
present moment doesn't seem so bad as that now does it? Sitting
here on padded pillows (not to mention buttocks softened by years
of buddha-sitting, etc.) seems like a cakewalk compared to certain
death by drowning, right? Now you're just going to have to sit
here and think>about it. I mean, sit here and NOT think about
it. Are you satisfied with your nonSelf? Okay, you've learned
your lesson. Exhale. Wimp. Wi-himp! Wussy! You wuss! Wuss-say!!! .
. . . you suck.
- Mix all ingredients
(except for spices) into large bowl.
- Sprinkle spices on
top of all ingredients and wave magic wand over bowl
magic words: "One fish, Two fish, Red fish, Blue fish"
(may substitute with "Not in a box!/not with a fox!" or "Not
on a boat!/Not with a goat!")
- Blink constantly until
others assume you have Turrets syndrome
- Whatever you do,
don't DO NOT smile!!! Don't! (And don't sneeze either.)
- Access WW's (Wicked Witch) website; download photographs
- Add WW photos into the mix; eye of Newt, etc.
- Also, raisins
and almonds if you have them; and fresh salsa if you can score it!
- oh, and those sparkly little things . . . er, what are they
called? No, not glitter. Jimmies? Sprinkles? Add those if you're
making this salad for kids. They like crunchy little colorful
things in their mouths.
- Finally bake outside on pavement in
broad daylight for 7 hours (summer), 7 days (winter); keep rodents
and birds from interfering with the natural baking process. Okay
if insects climb into bowl, however.
Serves one (and all).