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IDYLLOPUS PRESS : BIG SOFA : Guest Writers : John Citizen : seven chakra salad

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"Ompapa, ompapa
That's how it goes"


(copyright © 1994 - Maharashtha Stewart)


  • Seven Chakras
  • 3/4 cup Kundalini pasta
  • 1 large vibrating egg
  • 2 cups melted ghee
  • 3 bags potpourri
  • 4 papparazzi sticks
  • 5 golden rings
  • 6 cups ganeesha chips
  • 7 large bags of basmati rice
  • 7 arms of Vishnu
  • 7 cups of blue dye (optional)
  • 7 cans of (aged) spinach
  • cheese cubes
  • your noodle
  • spices


Sit comfortably in Lotus position and meditate. Inhale. Think to yourself "I am breathing in." Hold for a moment. No, don't exhale yet. No, not yet. Nope. Sorry. Keep holding it. Come on, you wuss. Hold it in. Don't exhale. Keep it in there. Geez, just imagine if you were underwater and someone had chained your ankle to a millstone and you had to use your fingernails to cut your leg off below the knee to escape from the chains before the millstone pulled you to certain death by drowning. Now, this present moment doesn't seem so bad as that now does it? Sitting here on padded pillows (not to mention buttocks softened by years of buddha-sitting, etc.) seems like a cakewalk compared to certain death by drowning, right? Now you're just going to have to sit here and think>about it. I mean, sit here and NOT think about it. Are you satisfied with your nonSelf? Okay, you've learned your lesson. Exhale. Wimp. Wi-himp! Wussy! You wuss! Wuss-say!!! . . . . you suck.


  1. Mix all ingredients (except for spices) into large bowl.
  2. Sprinkle spices on top of all ingredients and wave magic wand over bowl
  3. Say magic words: "One fish, Two fish, Red fish, Blue fish" (may substitute with "Not in a box!/not with a fox!" or "Not on a boat!/Not with a goat!")
  4. Blink constantly until others assume you have Turrets syndrome
  5. Whatever you do, don't DO NOT smile!!! Don't! (And don't sneeze either.)
  6. Access WW's (Wicked Witch) website; download photographs
  7. Add WW photos into the mix; eye of Newt, etc.
  8. Also, raisins and almonds if you have them; and fresh salsa if you can score it!
    - oh, and those sparkly little things . . . er, what are they called? No, not glitter. Jimmies? Sprinkles? Add those if you're making this salad for kids. They like crunchy little colorful things in their mouths.
  9. Finally bake outside on pavement in broad daylight for 7 hours (summer), 7 days (winter); keep rodents and birds from interfering with the natural baking process. Okay if insects climb into bowl, however.

Serving size:

Serves one (and all).


Bon Appetini

JC (johncitizen)

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